After checking your computer, if you find pornography’s fingerprints and presence, what is the next step? It is going to be a startling discovery – and one where the temptation to become angry and vengeful is strong. However, you need to be careful and make sure that you are going to take steps to make sure that this is effectively dealt with and handled. The goal is to stop this behavior and begin a positive move forward towards changing the problem. Here are steps to take once it is proven that porn has taken residence in your home.
1. Prayer- Make sure that you spend a good amount of time in prayer before doing anything. You need to make sure that you are not operating in your own flesh, out of your own hurt. As painful as this time is, there still needs to be love and mercy and grace extended. Pray that God will allow you to be going through the whole process in a correct manner. Pray that the truth will come out, that the person using porn will be honest and willing to address the issue. Pray that God’s Word and Truth will set them free (Isaiah 61:1-4).
2. Confrontation- This is a very difficult part of the process. No one like conflict, and this will be a big conflict. And in many cases, the user will not want to deal with things easily. We have seen fathers blame their sons, sons blame the father, brothers accuse each other. Finding out who is the user is part of this, because it will dictate some of what happens later. Use some of the tips from our How to Recognize Porn Use page to see if that will help. If you only have small children, then it is easy to see that a parent is responsible. Once the kids are older, it could be either child or parent. If there is no way to know, confronting the parent first is the best option. Be controlled during this time, and know that the confronted person may become defensive, angry, or withdrawn. They also may lie. But this has to be done. It is a good plan to have the evidence with you (print out copies of files, or make screen captures of the internet files and/or cookies).
3. Discussion- Beyond just confrontation, there needs to be a discussion of the situation. You need to explain how this makes you feel. There needs to be a talk about where to go from here – and an agreement by the user to take efforts to stop visiting these sites. This may not be the first conversation. During this whole process, good communication must be a goal. Many women who discover their husbands are using porn will go through waves of guilt, shame, worthlessness, anger. Needing to discuss this is not “harpng on the problem.” It is part of working through the issue. Children need to understand how this is goign to affect them if they do not stop. That may take time to really sink in.
4. Protection- Begin the process of putting computer controls in place. See our How to Protect Your Computer page for tips on how to do this. The protection process should not be a vindictive “You messed up and I’m going to punish you with these settings” approach. It needs to be done as a way to help the user during their weak initial steps to be successful.
5. Counseling- Porongraphy is addictive on a magnitude of crack cocaine. A person who has been using porn for ten years has developed a serious habit – and counseling may be a necessary approach to defeating the draw. In addition, if the husband or wife is involved, it could be a sign of more serious problems in the marriage. Also, the discovery of porn on the computer will break trust and cause many ramifications. A counselor is a good option for married couples to help them get through the shock and tenison of the discovery. Find a good Bible-based counselor – one that truly believes in the power of God’s Word and not just man’s wisdom.
This process is not easy – and it may not be pleasant. It may turns up even bigger problems that were not immediately apparent. It may cause married couples to question their relationship. It may cause parents to lose trust in their kids. But it is the only way to heal from the invasion of pornography. We see Biblical examples for disagreements within the Church – and these steps actually follow those guidelines. For these problems to be fixed, there has to be a healthy discussion and agreement to work together. If you need more help in this process, or if you need help finding a counselor, please contact us via email (info@defenderministries.com) or phone (407-657-7787).
Regardless of if you have found evidence of pornography on your computer, you should take steps to protect your family by utilizing some computer defenses. There are several categories of defense that you need to use. Each one fulfills a different purpose and offers a different layer of protection.
• VIRUS PROTECTION- How does this relate to pornography? Porn and sex-related sites are some of the biggest sources of viruses. Also emails with pornographic subject and content often carry viruses. In addition, viruses will often allow disreputable people to use your computer to send out more emails. They also leave portals into your computer, so they can continue to send pop-ups. You need to install a virus protection software to keep these out. Some examples are Norton Anti-Virus and MacAfee. Also, make it a point to never open or reply to a spam email, which will alert the sender that you are a viable recipient. And never ever ever ever open an attachment on an email from someone you do not know. That is how most email viruses are spread. And be careful when you put your personal information out on the web. Many sites asking for information are not legitimate. A good step is to have a disposable email address that you can delete or ignore for online forms.
• SPYWARE BLOCKER AND REMOVER- In many ways, with more people becoming aware of and careful with viruses, spyware has become the new computer villain of choice. These are pieces of software that are installed on your computer without you ever knowing or approving. They track your web habits, and send information to the designer or installer. Some are called data miners, which will try to send personal information to solicitors. There are even some out there now that will try to keep you from being able to install some protective software. Find a good Blocker/Remover program like Windows Defender, AdAware, or Spybot Search and Destroy and install it. Set it up to check often, just like a virus scan.
• CONTENT CONTROL SOFTWARE- This can be as simple as changing your Internet Explorer settings (which will often drive everyone crazy). This also could be installing something like Safe Eyes, BeSafe, or Net Nanny. These softwares actually will block access to sites with offensive or sexual words. Some of them (like Safe Eyes) you can adjust to add specific sites or words to the blocking.
• ACCOUNTABILITY SOFTWARE- This is a different level of protection – where you will actually receive an email of every inappropriate site that was visited. Programs like Covenant Eyes, Accountable2You, and X3 Watch will keep track of where internet surfers go and then send a report to their designated accountability partner. Some of them will also let that partner know if the program is turned off.
You need to understand that all of these steps can be bypassed. People who have spent a lot of time on computers looking at porn have learned to cover their tracks. They also know their way around things. However, these steps can stop a young person from ever getting to the place where they develop a problem. These things will also give speed bumps – places for a person to really consider if they want to follow through on looking at the sexual imagery. No step is a perfect solution in eveyr case. But that doesn’t mean to do NOTHING. Instead, it mean to be very vigilent and to make sure that you are also focusing on changing the heart – so that the desires is to remain pure insead of diving into lustful activities.
Check back often in our Downloads area to find resources that will help you, your family, and your church to fight this battle. We will include presentations, brochures, Bible studies, and more. Just click on the file you want and save it to your computer. Some of the files are quite large and may take a long time — especially on a dial-up modem.